How Do I Talk to my Child about ADHD?

How do I talk to my child about ADHD? This is such an important question to ask! So good for you for thinking to ask it.  This tells me right away that you are on the right track.  It is important for several reasons:

-          We want to best inform our kiddos about their neurodivergence in a way that is developmentally appropriate for them;

-          We want to foster self-awareness and self-acceptance so they can be off to a great start in their learning and growing experiences;

-          We want to highlight their strengths and marvellous uniqueness while noting some of the very real challenges they may be living with due to ADHD;

-          We want them to know that they are not alone, that lots of other kids and adults live with ADHD and thrive; and,

-          We want our kids to know that we are here for them with openness and acceptance and we are committed to accessing the support they need for their individual experience with ADHD.

There are many factors to consider (I live with ADHD so it is normal for me to consider many factors on any given topic 😊).  Here I am going to boil it down to the most important bits to prepare for a conversation with your child about living with ADHD:

1.      Always begin with (and maintain) a strength-based and “everyone is unique and special” approach:

-          Tell your child what you love about them, what you think their strengths are.  Really put some thought into this.  Write down your list before you approach your kiddo so you are ready to share this all-important information with them.

-          Ask your child what their favourite bits are about themselves. Depending on their age and/or interest level, have drawing materials available if they would enjoy making a visual representation of themself doing or being what they love best.

2.      Point out that there are all kinds of people with all kinds of minds and each of us deserves to get the help and care we need to feel good about ourselves.  Here you might say something about your own needs.  For instance, I would say I need to wear glasses so I can see well.  I also need more time to understand instructions and I sometimes need someone to do the task with me, at least to get started. I also definitely need to move my body! If you live with ADHD, share with your child some of the things that help you! 😊 Invite them to talk about other kids or grown-ups they know who need help with various tasks.

3.      Ask your child what it’s like for them to have to do something that is not easy for them.  You will likely know a few things that challenge your kiddo if they need a prompt (e.g., What is it like for you when you have to:  clean your room; do a chore; finish homework in a subject you don’t like; organize your desk….). This will give your child an opportunity to express how much they struggle.  Try to get them to name their feelings.  Here I would have a list of feelings on hand for your child to refer to.  There are many examples to choose from online.

4.      Assure your child that you are there for them, that you believe in them 100%, and you will do everything you can to make sure they have the best experience possible as they learn and grow.  You will deal with the grown-up things so they can be the best kid they can be. 

5.      Do an online search for age-appropriate books for kids about ADHD.  You may be able to order several through your public library or choose to buy a book to share with your child. 

6.      End your conversation with a review of how much you love them and what you admire about them.

 If your school-aged child is having what seem to be (or definitely are) ADHD-related challenges in school, you might broaden your conversation with them by visiting the website for The Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada (CADDAC) on your own.  Here is the link for kids ages 7 to 17:  https://caddac.ca/about-adhd/ages-7-17-yrs/ 

Under the ADHD and Education TAB, you will find PDF documents for Elementary School Aged Children and another for Secondary School Aged Children.  Look at the appropriate document for your child(ren), paying particular attention to the “impairments” kids with ADHD experience at school so you can identify the ones you believe your child struggles with.   I would not show the entire list to your child as it will likely be overwhelming. Feelings might come up for you, too, so please tend to your own needs before approaching your child. If you can access a counsellor such as myself who specializes in ADHD, please do that. You deserve all the help you can get on your parenting journey, too. (You may also consider CADDAC's support groups for parents- check out their website.)

After you have reviewed the list and have narrowed it down, invite your child to have a conversation about some of the items that you think they are most likely impacted by.  Ask your child if they experience these things while at school and what it’s like for them.  Depending on your child’s level of awareness and age and stage of development, they may be noticing that they are different than some of their peers.  Here, be sure to refer back to how we are all unique and have different strengths and challenges in life.  This conversation will help your child to have awareness about their need for help and it may come as a great relief to them to feel seen and heard by a caring, loving, and compassionate adult.

This type of activity opens up a dialogue about ADHD and the appropriateness of making accommodations at home and at school, possibly even getting an IEP (Individual Education Plan) for your child.  Remind your kiddo of their strengths here!

With older kids, particularly those who are balking against accommodations and/or taking their medication properly, if at all (especially if you, the adult, notice the medication helps).  It is important for adolescents living with ADHD to know that medication for ADHD helps to prevent them from making impulsive and high-risk decisions that may put them in danger of becoming dependent on substances like drugs and/or alcohol, smoking, promiscuity, risky online behaviour, disordered eating, and so on.  The medication for ADHD is meant to help the part of our brain that focuses on making choices that are helpful rather than harmful to our well-being.  Medication for ADHD is also meant to help our race-car brains slow down enough so we can pay attention when we are learning and focus while we are driving a vehicle once we are old enough to drive. 

Emotional and physical safety are priorities for all children.  We don’t want to scare our kids about the risks of living with untreated ADHD.  By the time kids are in grade 6, they are taught about the dangers of drugs with the DARE program.  I suggest using that type of model for teaching your child that people with ADHD are more likely to impulsively try and then become dependent on substance use (also called “self-medicating”) or some other high-dopamine inducing behaviour like disordered eating, online shopping, excessive gaming, and so on.

Reminders:

-          It's not their fault they have ADHD.

-          It’s not your fault they have ADHD.

-          It’s no one’s fault.

It is our responsibility as the adults in our kid’s lives to be as well-informed as we can be about ADHD, about our individual child’s experiences with ADHD, and how to best advocate for them with school staff, medical professionals, and how to communicate with our kids.  Childhood is a time of constant change.  As parents we get used to one stage of development, and another comes along! None of us is going to navigate parenting perfectly.  We can only do our best and that is good enough.

I am here to help parents navigate the complexities.  Remember that ADHD falls on a spectrum and it often – not always – is accompanied by another challenge like a learning issue or anxiety.  ADHD is not necessarily a "superpower" or a super awful, horrible experience. Each person with ADHD is unique and will have their own strengths and challenges just like every other human being. Please do get your child fully assessed if you can with a Psychoeducational assessment and/or have them assessed by a pediatrician.  Pediatricians have more time to spend with you and your child during each visit than a family doctor and their medical practices are for children.  A pediatrician will gain better knowledge about your amazing child and help them along their journey.

A counsellor who specializes in ADHD can help you and your child as well.  I am a huge advocate for parents getting help because parenting through ADHD is … more.  It’s more joy, more excitement, more activity, more emotions, more to consider.  The more supported we feel as parents, the better we will be for our children. 

Warmly,

Tara