Improving Communication in Relationships

We begin communicating at birth and continue to develop this powerful and important tool throughout our lives. Why is it, then, that communication is often the very factor undermining our ability to enjoy peaceful and satisfying relationships?

The simple answer is that many of us developed unhelpful and even hurtful communication patterns. We learned these from those around us who themselves picked up similar habits. Common patterns include criticizing, blaming, becoming defensive, shutting down, avoiding, ignoring, verbally attacking, and even people-pleasing.

The Importance of Self-Awareness

While we may quickly identify a key person in our lives from whom we learned what not to do, true change requires us to take responsibility for our actions. We must increase our self-awareness and remain willing to adapt and adjust. This is crucial for improving our communication skills.

Communication breakdowns are often the root of tension and dissatisfaction in relationships. This applies to couples, families, friendships, and even workplace interactions.

Healthy Communication as a Foundation

If we grew up in environments where healthy communication was modeled, we might have more robust skills to draw from. In these homes, people listened to one another. They respected others’ thoughts and feelings without saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way!” Conflicts were resolved without resorting to aggression. Responsibility was taken for personal actions.

Unfortunately, many of us learned what not to say and do for effective communication.

The good news is that we can learn healthy communication skills. If we are willing to practice, we can experience greater self-esteem, improved relationship satisfaction, and a stronger connection with our significant others.

Healthy Communication Includes:

• Using "I" statements: For example, “I feel worried when you come home late from work. I feel cared for when you call to let me know you’ll be late. I need you to text me about this.”

• Taking responsibility: For example, “You’re right; I have been late and haven’t let you know. I’m sorry. I will make a point to message you if I’ll be late again."

• Staying focused: It’s important to stick to the issue at hand. Don't divert to other matters or events from years past.

• Acknowledging each other’s feelings: Validating emotions is essential in any dialogue.

• Using a respectful tone: The way we speak can significantly alter the dynamic.

• Practicing active listening: Patience is key during discussions.

  
  

Unhealthy Communication Patterns

On the flip side, unhealthy communication includes:

• Passivity: Staying silent when something needs to be expressed.

• Aggressiveness: This can manifest as yelling, name-calling, or using a threatening tone.

• Blaming: Statements like “If you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t feel that way!” are damaging.

• Ignoring: Denying issues or pretending everything is fine when it’s not.

• Gaslighting: This involves manipulating someone into questioning their reality.

• Defensiveness: For example, responding with “I usually do this well; you just keep picking on me.”

  
  

The Four Horsemen of Communication

Through decades of research, John Gottman identified four major problems that often emerge in troubled relationships. He calls these “The Four Horsemen”: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt (Lisita, E., Online 2025).

In this blog post, I will focus on defensiveness, which is common and often justified. When we feel criticized, we may feel entitled to defend ourselves. However, it’s essential to learn how to respond to criticism—whether real or perceived—in a more constructive manner.

Understanding Defensiveness

Defensiveness can be detrimental to communication. When we become defensive, we make excuses for our behavior. This often leaves the other person feeling unheard and unloved. It’s easy to feel justified defending ourselves, especially if the criticism is presented in an unhealthy manner.

By recognizing their communication patterns, both partners can start working towards improvement. Let’s look at an example.

Example: Sue and Catherine

After weeks of silence, Sue tells Catherine she is frustrated with Catherine’s dirty clothes on the floor. Catherine defensively responds, "I don’t always do that! I pick them up sometimes! Besides, I’ve been busy.”

Identifying Errors

Sue’s heated tone and vague accusation of "always" detract from addressing the underlying issue. If she had spoken sooner, Sue might have used more constructive language, like, "Catherine, can we talk about the mess in our bedroom? I feel overwhelmed and alone in this."

Catherine's defensive reaction misses a crucial opportunity to validate Sue’s feelings. Instead of addressing the issue, she deflects. Responding healthily to critical tones can be challenging, but with love and trust, progress is possible.

Building Emotional Intimacy

Catherine can learn to accept responsibility for her actions and reassure Sue that her feelings are valid. Sue, in turn, can learn to express her emotions proactively using “I” statements, which can prevent bitterness from building up.

The Benefits of Healthy Communication

1. Increased self-respect and integrity.

2. Enhanced confidence in self-expression.

3. Greater understanding of personal thoughts and feelings.

4. Closer connections with significant others as both partners work towards improvement.

   
   

If, despite our best efforts, a healthy relationship seems unattainable, we can still learn to communicate our feelings productively without demeaning the other individual. Ending a relationship is never easy, but it might be necessary for our well-being.

Conclusion

Healthy communication is a vital skill that benefits all our relationships.

Thank you for reading and remember: Healthy Communication is about Progress, not Perfection.

~ Tara 😊

In an upcoming post about improving communication in relationships, I will focus on the blaming, criticism, and fault-finding bugaboo.

Lisita, Ellie. Retrieved from The Gottman Four Horsemen

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.